Some Honest Truth About Parenting Teens

Teen years can be grueling.

We’ve heard it in sermons and podcasts. Read it in books and even spoken it to each other, yet we still don’t believe in the middle of the mess. Our mess. Our teens’ mess. God will make something beautiful. Because if we’re real honest, it’s always easier to believe someone else’s mess will turn around for good. Our mess is a different story. Seems darn well impossible to see beauty when you’re knee deep in you know what.

I take one kid, who calls from school to the doctor for strep.

The two-year-old throws an all-out screaming tantrum over chapstick at the orthodontist. Causing her teen brother to want to hide and whispers, “Take her to the car. Now.”

Another teen, who will remain nameless, may or may not have stormed off slamming their bedroom door hollering life is unfair; because we actually had the audacity to set limits on their phones. Yeah, we’re those parents with rules. Heavy eye roll inserted.      

 I had surgery. Recovery is less than ideal, forcing the older humans who live in the house to pick up the slack. You can only imagine how that went.

 A friend of one of the teens’ battles cutting and needs to hear, “You are wanted and loved.”

My husband and I snap at each other a few days in a row leaving tension lingering in the air.

Oh yeah, and my dad is battling stage four brain cancer.

No wonder on a Sunday evening when all is supposed to be quiet I burst. Snatching an iPad from my teen and throwing it to the ground. Yeah-it shatters into a million pieces. Don’t judge unless you’ve had a teen with an electronic device.  

There I am sitting in a mess trying to put the pieces together again because every day seems to have a bit of its own traumatic crises. Sometimes, if we’re all really honest, we want to run away and stop adulting.

Even the weary and worn-out can hear from God right there in the middle of the mess.

I’ve come to realize my husband, and I rock all stages up until the teen years. We’ve got all those years down pat. We’ve read all the books. Implemented the plans. For a short time, we felt like rock-stars and then the teen years hit. Not horrible, just different. The game plan changed except we didn’t know it. We need a shift in our parenting because most days we have no idea what we’re doing.

On a Tuesday when it’s just me and the two-year-old while making pancakes, I hear God speak.

I’ve always allowed the children to help cook and this was no exception. I never minded the mess. Spills happened. One time a whole bottle of sprinkles got knocked over. I didn’t see the full scope of my efforts till to my surprise my two teens now know their way around the kitchen and can cook full meals. The effort and patience paid off.

There we were — my two-year-old mixed the batter. I added the egg. As the batter splashed on the floor, I heard the Lord ask, “Why are you not afraid of the mess when the children are little, but now when their teens you’re terrified?”

 Lord, I’m afraid of the mess. Fearful of the unknown. Afraid it won’t work out as I thought. Scared of what might be or not be.

 Here’s the truth: As my oldest entered into the teen years I started parenting from a place of fear rather than love; his mess seemed more manageable at a younger age.

God, as teenagers the mess is so much bigger.

 “Does that make me any less God?” God had my attention.

Reality check: He’s God in the middle of our teens’ mess, and He is God in the middle of our mess.

I wish I could give you a four-step plan to seeing the beauty in the mess. Or better yet a five-steps to a perfect teen. Yeah- I don’t think there is one and if there is…it won’t work. Life is messy. Real messy if you have teens. It’s not clean and straightforward. You can’t control them anymore. We have to let them make mistakes and live their story. Trust the God of the universe by praying daily for them. Surround yourself with others who have teens; helps to know you’re not in it alone.

Here’s the truth: None of our children are perfect-even the ones who seem to follow the rules. No matter how effective we are as parents at reading the books, going to the conferences, disciplining, encouraging, and praying for our teens, we are not God, and we need to allow God to be God to our teens. I’m learning it takes letting go of the reins and trusting Him. Even if it means my kids screw up. It’s okay. Grace. Grace and more grace for them and me, as their mom. There’s no time for guilt, so let’s just not go there.

The good news is: God doesn’t leave us to parent alone. He is right there in the middle of the mess, and we can stand on this verse: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I’ve been praying Ephesians 3:19 over my children “May (they) experience the love of Christ…Then (they) will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” If our children do not experience God’s true love for themselves, they will never be able to live the life God intended for them to live…no matter how good we parent.

If you’re a parent of a teen, I want to hear from you. Because we should never parent alone. I’ve also included a list of my favorite blogs on parenting teenagers:

Michelle Krol: Celebrating Boyhood, Raising Gentlemen

The Dolly Mama: a podcast by a fellow mom who has four young adults…so she’s been there done that. Excellent for helping moms of teens feel less alone.

How We Really Pray for Our Kids

Lightly Frayed: Parenting with Hope and Humor…Most Days.

Susan K. Crews: She writes to encourage parents waiting for prodigals using biblical truths to inspire hopeful living while we wait.