In this season of my life, as the mother of two pre-teens and two active little boys, I rarely have a quiet moment. Moments in the bathroom are treasured. Moments in the car alone are savored. Even moments washing dishes in the quiet of the evening provide a momentary break from the chaos. A mundane task often becomes spiritual worship, an altar I build before the Lord. Such an altar was built the other night after a long and draining week.
The Lord surprised me and oh how I needed it! My soul was desperate for more, desperate for rest. Weariness from the demands of the week were heavy on my heart. Initially, my thoughts were getting away from me. I had failed that day and guilt came quickly to overtake my soul, leaving my thoughts wondering how I will ever get it right.
To be honest, I felt as if I had been failing in all areas. As a wife, mom, in relationships and in ministry. Past disappointments had turned into deep hurts.
I was just fine. Keep moving. Keep doing. Stop crying. Straighten up, you’re better than this. Don’t be offended. I don’t need any comforts. I am fine!
Easier to serve then to feel. Easier to pull up my big girl pants and continue on, than to trust God with all my disappointments and hurts. We discount our own restlessness as a form of weakness. We marginalize the extent of our own hurts. We dismiss the disappointment as second class. Our feelings our unreliable, or so we have been taught. Throwing them to the side and believing our own dreams and purposes and even our hurts, as spiritually unnecessary. We underestimate the profound importance of dealing with our emotions head-on and taking them to the cross.
When we dismiss our emotions we allow part of ourselves to die. Sometimes the more difficult path is allowing ourselves to feel. God didn’t merely come to save us from our sins. He came to redeem all areas of our lives.
Jesus softly whispered, “It’s ok to feel. Come to me and I will give you rest. What can I do for you? You can trust me with your hurts.”
I am fine.
Just as Elisha, in 2 Kings 4:8-17, called forth the Shunammite woman’s promise once again, Jesus is asking me to emerge from my disappointments and believe again. Believe that all will be restored. I felt much like the Shunammite woman. She found comfort in serving and when asked by Elisha, “What can we do for you?” She had no answer. She was fine.
So many of us women live in this place of just being fine.
Is this the abundant life we are promised? Just fine? Just getting by? Much of us, like the Shunammite woman, stand in the doorway of our promise with past disappointments haunting us, preventing us from moving forward. Thinking we don’t really need to experience anything more.
What if we stopped saying we’re fine and allowed ourselves to feel? Not to stay there. Not to lick our own wounds. Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but to move forward in complete wholeness.
Pretending when your hurting won’t heal you and hiding only breeds frustration.
As Elisha called out her promise of a son, she answered from her past disappointment, “No, my lord. Man of God, do not deceive your servant.” 2 Kings 4:16
Don’t you dare call out my promise again. Don’t let me be disappointed again!
Today, as I write this I feel the Holy Spirit saying, “Trust me. Hand me your disappointments and hurts and I will restore all that has been lost.”
“Joy and gladness will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee.” Isaiah 35:10
That night at the sink brought forth such healing for my soul. Encounter right in the mist of the mundane.
He whispers, “Can I have the disappointment you mask as service? Will you give me all the hurt that you try to hide?”
I allowed myself to feel. I allowed the Lord in and I allowed Him to speak. I handed Him the disappointment of failed relationships, the unknowing of the future, and the disappointment of His timing.
Today I trust and rest knowing my Father works on my behalf redeeming all that was lost in abundance. Part of my journey to rest is laying down the disappointments of the past in-order to grab hold of the promises for the future.
“Israel put your hope in the Lord. For there is faithful love with the Lord, and with Him is redemption in abundance. And he will redeem Israel from all sins.” Psalm 130:7-8
Sometimes it’s easier to take care of everyone else, believe for everyone else, and not feel. Trust me I know! Friend, sister in Christ, our only way to rest is to allow ourselves to feel and to trust God. He has so much more for us. We can’t allow our past disappointments shape our futures.
It’s time to believe the words spoken over ourselves and our families. It’s time to hear the sound of Holy Spirit calling you to believe again. Listen to Him. Trust Him, you just may be standing in the doorway of your promise.
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