When Darkness Comes and You Blame Yourself…

As I beat my fists upon the floor, I felt the pain and disappointment I tried to avoid rush in.

How could this have happened to my family?

I thought I had done every thing right.

In the darkness, I tried to imagine what went wrong. How could the enemy come in like that? After all, hadn’t I done everything right as a “Christian parent?” We home-schooled, restricted their media, taught them all the right Bible verses, and even moved our entire family to one of the hot spot revival centers.

My children were saturated in the presence of God on a daily basis.

They knew the truth. They heard the truth.

My knees ached from praying the blood of Jesus over them.

Such darkness came in and stole…broke in, un-announced, un-welcomed.

If only I had done more.

Where was the warning?

Scripture warned – yet I ignored, thinking it would never happen to my family. Jesus said blessed are those who mourn, who are persecuted and insulted. It’s right there in 2 Peter 5:8, but I was still shocked and stunned.

“Be sober, be vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith.”

Oh I had been sober and vigilant. I resisted him daily. For crying out loud my husband and I lived a life of fasting and praying to see this very spirit broken off other people. Yet it came and stole on my watch.

Our family had been ambushed and if our family could be ambushed so could others. And there were those who knew the battlefield I just stepped onto. They too had been ambushed, afflicted with pain and forged by fire, from brawling with the same dark enemy yet somehow escaping.

None of us are exempted from the tricks of the enemy. None of us can avoid this darkness all together, and yet this is what we are often told by endless sermons and those pretty packaged books. This inaccurate description of our Christian race is circulating in our church culture.

If you do this, this, and this. If you follow this 5 step plan you will slide into Heaven without a scratch.

James makes a startling statement that is contrary to our Americanized gospel.

“Consider a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it’s complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4

We will experience trials! It’s through these trials the Lord works to build endurance.
I have found:

In the darkness the glory comes.

In the darkness you are held together.

In the darkness faith is all you have.

In the darkness you learn to depend.

In darkness love pierces through and is poured into our hearts.

In the darkness it is one faithful moment with faithful presence at a time.

When you are in the darkness you appreciate the light more.

In the darkness a real forgiveness is released from the depth of the wound.

The Light shines brighter in the darkness.

In silence, before the Lord, I felt His love rush in; surrounding me and filling me with hope. As I sat the Lord gave me a choice, like any loving Father would.

“Lea, the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman pulls it down with her own hands. Are you going to be wise or foolish? Are you going to trust me?”


I had a choice. I could pull my house down with my anger and disappointment, and turn inward and reject others like I had done in the past. Rejecting the very child who would cause me such pain and believe the lie of the enemy that I had done something wrong, that I had caused all of this.

Or I could choose to be wise and build my home with His love. It’s His perfect love that casts out ALL fear. I would choose to forgive and love. Forgiveness is the very act that breaks the darkness.

“For if you forgive men their trespasses your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14

I choose to forgive my husband, my child, and ungodly counsel. I embrace these people with His love and acceptance. I release all my disappointment and hurt to Him, the one whom I can trust with it. In exchange He gives me peace and rest for my weary soul…knowing His blood is enough!

“but even in the darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.” Psalm 139:12


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