I sat staring at the small piece of paper that I had just written the word “insecurity” on. Fighting back tears, knowing the Lord was asking me to release more. Was He really going to ask me to surrender my dream, the very dream He gave me? Fear begin to grip my heart, but at the same time I could hear the Father say, “Trust me. I love you.”
This was the night of our balloon release. Twenty woman, including myself, sat before the Lord asking Him what He would have us release, in-order to walk in greater purpose. We were to write down what the Lord revealed to us on a slip of paper, place it in a balloon, fill it with helium, and release it.
Leading up to this moment my heart had been filled with great expectancy, knowing the Lord would do a mighty work in all the other women’s lives. I never thought He was going to ask me to surrender anything more than my “insecurity.” At thirty-five years old I had been plagued with insecurity most of my life. I was bound to my insecurity as a mother, wife, and most of all a writer and speaker to women. I was frightened it would keep me from my dreams and purpose. So gladly I wrote it, on that little slip of paper, to release to the Lord. Who wouldn’t want to get rid of insecurity? But my dreams was another story.
Because I can easily sit here and hand God something I didn’t want, but would I be willing to hand Him something I so desperately wanted to hold on to? Something I so desperately wanted to see come to pass.
When God spoke this dream to me 3 years earlier, I never imagined I would hang on to it, like it was mine to hang onto anyway? Wasn’t it His? Wasn’t He the very one who breathed this very dream into my heart? Isn’t He the one that wakes me in the middle of the night burning with the burden to pray for this dream to come to pass? Isn’t He the one who has gotten me to the point to even have the faith to believe in this dream? How could I be holding on to it so tight? How could I have gotten to the place where I doubt and have begun to be exhausted trying to figure it out myself?
I hadn’t realized in my pursuit of changing the world that my dreams had begun to drip with….myself. Had my dreams become more about me than God and helping others? Is that why I felt so drained from my pursuits? I had lost the abiding part and the resting in Him part.
And yet I knew, “unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24
“Let us lay aside every weight and sin that so ensnares us.” Hebrews 12:1
I wonder if Abraham had any of the same feelings as he surrendered his promise on the alter? I wonder, if he had an internal battle? Abraham had been called to offer not only his son, whom he loved, the son dearest to his heart, but the one through whom all the covenant promises were to be fulfilled. He had waited 25 years to see his promise fulfilled. Abraham had to go way beyond human reasoning to believe this promise. He and Sarah were way beyond child bearing age.
I know that there is deep prophetic meaning in this story of our coming Savior, but in it’s simplest form it’s a man putting his 25 year old dream on the alter, surrendering it all to the Father. Trusting that his loving Father knows best. Trusting that God would provide something better (Hebrews 11:40).
Abraham’s testimony speaks volumes to us: He would hold nothing back from God, no matter the cost.
I wanted to have that kind of faith. I wanted to hold nothing back from the One I loved. He is the founder of my dreams and He will be the completer.
That night I decided, the best place for my dreams was at the feet of Jesus. I folded the tiny slip of paper up that now read “my dreams” along with the other “weights” that were holding me back and I placed it in the balloon. Then something unexpected happened, I felt the sweet presence of surrender.
As I let go of that balloon, on that chilly March evening, I felt The Lord whisper, “Now I can give you more of myself.”
Our greatest gift is more of Jesus…it’s all we could ask for.
I can now confidently,”run with endurance the race that lies before me, keeping my eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of my faith.” Hebrews 12:2
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